In their own words: Tiff Lin

Mother+Peace artist Tiff Lin reflects on their entire creative process from ideation to execution and beyond

Dohee Lee, left, and Tiff Lin at Mother+Peace in May 2022. Lin interviewed Lee during the beginning stages of artistic deelopment.

PART I - WRITING WITHOUT EXPECTATION

Integration happened slowly. After the interview with Dohee, I sat with her prayer for future generations “to bring back matriarchal wisdom” and mused what that could possibly look like.

A month later, Sogorea Te’ Land Trust made their first official landback request in an official campaign to encourage local residents to help them buy back their ancestral land and purchase their first home. It was the first time I heard the term “rematriation”, reclaiming ancestral remains, spirituality, culture, knowledge and resources. A return back to Mother Earth, a return to our origins, to life and cocreation. Rematriation began to feel more wholesome to me than the term repatriation, which felt ripe with guilt via obligation and duty versus dignity and the feeling of returning to our common humanity. 

I sat with Mother = wholeness. 

During that same week, something happened in my personal life- I dropped the ball on sending out a work email that I was supposed to be on top of and it triggered a whole slew of insecurities and shame. This incident compelled me to write nonstop in my Morning Pages and catalyzed the first stanza of what would become “Mother+Peace” with the  “Be more like a woman, dress like a lady” comment.

This would be the first time I would write so candidly about my relationship with my mother, how the tensions felt so thick through years of repressed silence and shame on both sides. How bitter I had felt for feeling so alone through it all without her acknowledging her impact. How upset I felt about our patriarchal culture of avoidance, lack of intimacy, and desired for more vulnerability and real conversations rooted in honesty as much as it scared the shit out of me. 

The experience of writing my truth gave me more clarity as I began to see where I was in the process of self acceptance, belonging, reparenting, holding and loving myself as I am. The very act of letting myself write in a stream of consciousness way, for myself and for my inner process, without expectation, gave my inner child the space to be seen and felt.. And for me that was everything. 

I remember warm teardrops, a swelling throat, reading my piece out loud to my partner for the first time. They shed tears with me too. I realized the pain I was holding inside and the longing I had for reconciliation with my mother was a universal somatic experience.

And I knew this was to be the foundational piece for my Ecosystems project. This was going to be a cathartic journey back home. To the ancestral womb we go!

I worked with the piece a bit more with my Alexander Technique coach and practiced saying it out loud. To embody the feeling I had felt with the same pain and longing in my heart when I had first written it. But by then I had edited it a bit and added more context and layers to the story. I did my best without losing its original meaning: the longing for belonging is real and it’s a personal journey everyone has to undergo when they learn how to love and hold themselves. It’s one that I personally, even at 33 years old, am learning how to do with courage and trust.. 

I began to share my piece to a few friends who all felt very strongly that my piece felt like a universal truth. This deeply calmed my spirit to hear. I felt less alone and less scared of making this a public thing. Regardless of claiming the title “spoken word artist”, all I wanted to do was create art, recreate catharsis that reflects the human experience as a means for us all to feel less alone. Together, we can heal.

If the whole world can heal their mother wound, perhaps we'd be better equipped with finding solutions rooted in abundance and love rather than scarcity and fear.

PART II - SOUNDSCAPE COLLABORATION WITH DIEGO

One of the friends I shared the spoken word piece with was my friend Diego Mireles. Diego listened to it and understood the potency of my message and offered their help in adding sound frequencies to enhance the transmission. We both understood how art can be perceived in many different ways. And how sound has a way to deliver a message beyond words can. I wanted people to listen to “Mother+peace” and go on a cosmic sonic healing journey into their past, present, future. The way that I did when I wrote the thing.

So collaborating with Diego with this shared interest of embodied frequency on the message of “you are enough” was everything. Super seamless, fun, and easy!

I went back home and sent them a copy of the poem and under their guidance, added visual images I found on Google that demonstrated the vibration of what I was picturing in my mind/body with some vibe cues like “airy, nostalgic, inquisitive, in wonder…” And then they played around with their equipment to create recorded sequences to match my felt sense.

I envisioned cosmic galaxies, waterfalls, bullet trains, volcanos, bubbles, ocean waves. The piece itself was a growing and living thing. It started with a subconscious verbal vomit of my psyche. And it now had the medicine of sound to take us onto another dimension of catharsis. How cool!

The next part of my artist’s journey was the one I had dreaded the most but knew was coming. Sharing about my project and what I’ve been feeling with my mother in person before she heard about it online. It was a matter of respect and also I knew deep down, this is where the work is and what drew me to it. Reconciliation.

PART III - SPEAKING MY TRUTH

A big theme around “Mother+Peace” is the longing for mutual understanding. To feel held and be held. To be recognized by my own mother that to be queer is to be questioning the cultural norms that while beautiful in its traditions, were also toxic in the ways they had brought us as asian femme bodies down in silence and subservience. I wanted her to recognize the freedom in having choice of self-expression and the power of claiming space- how sharing emotions and being vulnerable paves the way. 

I wished that by sharing this piece, my mother would begin to finally see me. I wanted to believe I was ready. That I’ve stopped seeking approval that matches the weight of parental expectations and can be an example of radical acceptance, joy, self love. 

And at the same time, I couldn’t help but admit I was terrified too. I was terrified of shifting the status quo of “let’s just not say anything at all…there’s too much here to even start.” or “Let’s just be civil and pretend everything is fine”.  There may be too much of a gap to even begin to understand. 

It was September 2021 when my mother flew back to the states with my sister from Taiwan. My sister had just given birth to her first baby and the attention was all on getting them settled back in. I knew I had 10 days with them. 10 days where I had the space to come clean with my mother around what I’d been working on for the majority of the past year, my intentions of sharing about our relationship to the public, and most importantly, believe in the possibility of ancestral healing.

I had so much resistance. And I realized it wasn’t just me. I had mentioned by day 4 that I wrote something about her for a project and wanted her time and attention. I felt her feeling tense, uncomfortable, and contracted. I used to write long winded “coming out” letters on Facebook and she always felt super embarrassed for me because of it. I began to make stories up, like she’s not ready to hear the truth. She’s avoiding me. She’s choosing to work rather than get the time to ask about my work. Well, fuck it. I don’t need her…And then it was a few days where we just defaulted into the normalcy of being civil but not really real towards each other. It was like my poem had said, “Ignore the manifestation of all of our generations of unresolved shame and self loathing bubbling to the surface” 

And then it was the morning of Day 9. I was to leave the next day. I woke up feeling so defeated. I had a yeast infection and what felt like the beginning of hemorrhoids and was just so tired of the dissociative impulses that felt so common being with family for a long period of time. I remember being in physical distress and crying that morning, visibly tearing and writing aggressively in my Morning Pages journal. It was that point where my mother took notice and said in frustration and defeat “okay la!  What is it? We can talk. I have 30 minutes”. To which I said “No, I want more than that.”

And it hit me. Growing up, past crying and being unheard, it was so hard for me to actually ask for time and one-on-one attention. I did everything I could for it. Forming an identity as the good middle-child with straight A’s and polite manners and a quiet disposition.  Meanwhile, my parents were workaholics, struggling to get their business going at first until they somehow made it through the other side and then suddenly everyone was asking for their time and attention. I didn’t want to be another pining voice asking for their care. 

So when I had said I wanted more, it meant something. It was like I was 3 years old with snot in my nose, crying and clearly upset, but this time I could use words to advocate for what I wanted. My mom cleared her work schedule and I had 1 hour of her day just to myself. 

Well not totally to myself. She chose to hold baby three-month-old Miles while I was getting the nerves to start talking.

I looked at my piece on my phone. I could feel her feeling impatient, waiting for me to get it over with. I began to speak it out loud. And before I even made sense of why or how, I started translating my piece into Mandarin Chinese, this way she’d be able to understand a bit better. I noticed my voice changing as I used my mother tongue. It felt more real and sincere.

I started crying mid-way. She didn’t interrupt me once. When I stopped, she began to talk and acknowledge how much pain I had been holding. What started off as a lecture and then ended into a dialogue about shame…about how she too deserves a space to share how much she’s been holding. I told her we all deserve a space to release our emotions because we matter. Our mental health matters. Our stories past, present, future matters. We, as Asian womxn, matter.

I honestly blacked out most of the conversation but what I will say coming out was a large exhale after a good sob. Something big energetically shifted between us. We had a night where I layed in the same bed as my mother and felt connected to her in a way I hadn’t been able to feel in years. We made it through the period of huge ice storms, high turbulent winds of avoidance, freezing cold weather of dissociation of rolled eyes and  “i’m fine”, and landed in the soft warm underbelly of Mother Earth, reminding us both that it’s okay to feel as strongly as we do. These feelings are what creates aliveness and joy and laughter after all. We are heard. And we love and have always loved each other beyond words. 

It felt like the journey of the “Mother+Peace” had come to a safe resting place. I could rest in peace

PART IV -  Planning for the Launch of “Mother+Peace”

After showing Julius, Marisa, and Ryan the soundscape Diego and I had created, we began to brainstorm how to bring this frequency out to the world. 

As a facilitator of queer asian embodiment/healing circles, a leader that leads with vulnerability, a lover of authentic relating circles, I knew that I wanted to bring an immersive healing experience to this event. I wanted aliveness and cultivated attention, Spirit to flow through and guide the conversation, grounded community participation. The Forum Collective found the perfect venue and partner to help bring that vision to life. So much gratitude for Ira Armstrong from Peace Out Loud and The Berkeley School for giving space for us to Be.

I didn’t want it to just be about me and my performance and have observers coming in and out. The reason I felt so impacted by Dohee Lee’s work is because she blurs the line between performer and audience. She brings folks into ritual, into a sense of wonder and belief of the interconnectedness of all things. I realized looking back at what makes Art the Medicine for Healing is doing just that. Removing the veil and the hierarchical power dynamics, deconstructing what it means to be an “artist”, a “healer”, and just being in humble existence : a tender soul sitting with a bunch of souls with a lot of feelings that desire to be heard and felt.

For me going into May 14th, the official launch date of “Mother+Peace”, I held the intention of creating a safe and brave space for people to be open to magic, transformation, possibility. I imagined queer API folx to be the majority of the space, tender and courageous hearts who wanted guidance on how to navigate their own mother wound. The soundscape would serve as a catalyst to invoke honest vulnerability. And the meat of the production would be facilitating exercises that included journaling, partner dyads, movement, and group check-ins. It was a natural flow that brought out my own creative healing process and I trusted it to work with a captive audience.The last thing I did to prepare mentally was ask for my mom’s blessing. She told me “don’t worry, you are the best! ok! Deep breath, and pray to the Buddha, let Buddha give you courage and clear mind to express what you want to say”

Another lesson to deeply trust, listen, and surrender. 

PART V -  “Mother+Peace” Premiere

22 folks with the majority being queer APi folx came through the doors that day. Dohee and Diego were also present which gave me extra strength and courage! Ira from Peace Out Loud initiated us all into a beautiful Land Acknowledgement outside. Julius, Marisa, and Ryan were welcoming the folks into the room with smiles and warmth. I felt Spirit already moving forth from that very moment. The initiation into healing and rematriation had already begun.

Stepping inside, we went into circle formation. I led us into a grounding invocation, intention setting exercise, with a group check-in starting with “Right now, I’m feeling”. This helped me gauge everyone’s attention and presence before moving forward with more stimulus. I can feel how holding the vibration of raw, open, grounded, vulnerable might bring up a lot for people and it was important for me to know their receptivity as well as consent.

Julius shared a clip of Dohee’s interview and I introduced how it led me to feel inspired to explore an embodied sense of matriarchal wisdom and belonging. Looking around the room, I felt everyone’s attention as they nodded when I asked: “how are we as asian diaspora able to feel belonging in the world, in society, in our work and our careers, in our own emerging identities within community, if we haven’t felt a sense of belonging within our own home, within our own culture, our within relationship with our own mother”.

And then came the actual sharing of the soundscape. I closed my eyes for this part. It had been two months since I last heard it for myself. And it hits a different way every time. When I opened my eyes after the final statement “I am enough. We are enough”, I felt the tenderness of the moment.

This moment of being witnessed. This moment where I shared something deeply raw and vulnerable and I stayed in the room to be with those feelings instead of hiding and diminishing it as not important. The moment where I let go of all that I held onto suggesting that I was somehow wrong for being different. The moment I knew everyone in the room had felt something true for themselves too and I wasn’t alone in it.

I slowly raised my eyes to meet everyone else, tears flowing down my eyes, as I said “thank you…for seeing me”. Looking back, I feel this was the peak of the whole event for me. I really allowed myself the time to truly feel those words. I felt IT. And I saw myself and my impact and it was solely in the being. 

I don’t recall what I said because I didn’t plan for it. It couldn’t be performed, planned, workshopped. It was just essence. And that I felt was my highest intention going in- to be comfortable being myself, to the point others can feel comfortable with their tenderness too going into this unraveling journey.

After the soundscape recording, I shared 6 specific quotes from my piece live with a reflection question to follow. I emphasized that this writing exercise is for you, not for anyone else. I invited them to post their letters on the wall to curate our own museum exhibit of collective angst, grief, heartfelt feelings. This day is for all of us and all of our stories. Towards the end of this exercise, we all stood up and shouted out together, “I AM ENOUGH. WE ARE ENOUGH!” That was epic. 

We went outside and I facilitated partnered dyads. The exercise was to share any part of the letter or any context towards the relationship in reconciliation with the other partner just witnessing in non-judgement and saying “Thank you”. The partners would change after 5 minutes of each share. I walked around the space and saw folks tearing openly. Together, we were opening up so much! It made me reflect on how much API folx have been given generations of practice on holding it together to keep up with appearances or saving face. But when given the permission to let go, there’s just so much pure emotion, something that can no longer be denied or ignored. I was undeniably proud to witness everyone fully in it. 

We walked to another area for our movement exercise. I put on a 10 minute dance medicine song that Dohee suggested would be good for this process. This practice served to help release and move any emotions that couldn’t be said, vocalized, or externally processed through words. We are here for collective liberation. We are here to be in the body. If it is rage or grief we need to move through collectively, then let’s dance and move our shit together! This experience was amazing in itself. The act of stomping through concrete, which circled back to the point that Ira made on how concrete separates us from our connection to the land and defaults us into the programing of white supremacy. The act of going into the circle and being witnessed for the way we move, the way we are and exist in ease, in joy, in play. We were human spirits connecting through dance and embodiment. One of the participants said “I feel our ancestors are dancing with us.”

I made the call to take out the creative drawing exercise I had originally planned. We were all definitely full and anymore activity/processing would be overdoing it. We ended with another round of “Right now, I’m feeling” with the responses ranging from “connected” to “grounded” or “Spirit”. The closing was short and sweet. It was hard for me to form words at that time. I acknowledged everyone in the room as well as my mother and my ancestors. Ira closed with affirmations and a song that brought us back into the felt sense of humanity and togetherness. I left with feeling a deeper sense of community support and care. 

I was blown away with how “Mother+Peace”, the whole production, from planning to execution, had gone and how it continues to move me.

PART VI - Next steps? My Vision

I envision either a physical or virtual museum exhibit curating a display of letters/art work/movement inspired pieces written/produced by the asian diaspora. Sentiments shared that honor where we are in the present and our desire for where we want to be for the future. I imagine intergenerational healing, ancestral healing, diaspora healing happening and the resources to provide community support in the unraveling. I imagine AAPI folx claiming their voices and their stories and unapologetically speaking their truth out loud for the world to hear. I imagine AAPI folx connecting with their mother and courageously asking for their time, their undivided attention to be heard, held, seen for any words left unspoken. I imagine the rippling effects of how reconciliation within family dynamics, the return to wholeness within the home, could do to one’s spirit and the flourishing of confidence in relationships, purpose-driven work, community impact. I imagine us coming together in a venue sharing the magic, the “coming out” stories and celebrating each other for our growth. I imagine a rooted sense of belonging for us all that will translate for future generations to come.  

I imagine a whole theater production taking all of the themes we’ve explored together. All of the quotes and nuggets gleaned. All of the things we’ve wished to say out loud finally said. All the sentiments and stories of struggle our parents had felt but couldn’t at the time bear to say. This could be all enacted in a play, in a song, in a poem. This could be fuel for dinner side conversation. “What did you think about that?” conversations to be had that invites speaking the honest truth of how things really are. Barriers breaking open between sibling dynamics, mother daughter, father son…the walls of saving face crumbling down. 

Let’s admit it, none of us know what we are doing. Isn’t it time to start really asking/offering help, speaking individual needs and trusting the other can speak there too? We need tools for intimacy within family dynamics in order to combat the collapse within our societal systems. Let’s break apart the systems of domination within our own family first. With the belief we can make it to the other side, perhaps we’ll then learn the tools and language to do the same for our cis-hetero-patriarchal world as its crumbling and falling apart. 

It can start with just one story. I’m more than blessed to have shared mine. For the shared resonance that was felt that day, I am forever grateful. And I am ready and earnestly waiting for more. 

If you feel moved by hearing “Mother+Peace” and have taken to the prompts, written a letter, and feel inspired to share it with me, please email tiffrexrei@gmail.com with subject line “Mother+Peace” Letter. Our stories matter. Please share your story and know it will fall upon willing and accepting ears.